update
Journal Entry: Wed Jan 16, 2008, 10:53 PM
- Mood:
Depressed - Listening to: too much of other people's music.
- Reading: too much of other people's ideas.
- Watching: not enough TV.
- Playing: with my mind.
- Eating: not enough.
- Drinking: too much.
18 now.
life=uncertain.
I'll keep this simple, and just copy my mypsace blog... which I will warn anyone without a myspace, to never get one. It eats sanity, babies, brains, and Mormans.
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...in my head says things aren't the same.
Just another year, but I know this one is different. It's graduation time already... My life has really hit that point... sure, not my graduation, but many of my friends.
And they're leaving.
Some whom could even be going off to war some day soon.
I thought about it, and it's true... all the time we have have been miss'n won't be given back. The days of sitting in the park and just talking about everything that comes to mind, are not only soon at an end... but they're also gone... nothing more than a memory to us now. And memories do nothing but ease the pain of knowing that those days are over.
What's worse, is I have no idea where I'm going... and I'm running out, running out of time to think about it all. Soon enough I'll be out of 11th grade and into my senior year... I feel like I need to find the emergency break on life and pull it up with all my might, some days.
What am I gonna do? My skills in art aren't anything great... and I don't believe they ever will be. My skills in computers hasn't enhanced any in the past 2 years because everything I look to refine my skills in it, just tries to teach me stuff I already know. And those are the only two jobs I'm really cut out for.
I could work on my bass skills... but I know I'll never make it big because, well, when was the last time you heard of a hit band from Alabama? Besides, music is dead now'a'days... you have to become generic to get anywhere... but that's a totally different topic.
If you're wondering why I don't look on the bright side of things, and why I never think that anything I do is good enough, it's because I've never really had anyone to cheer me on, or some real critique when I've needed it. No one to ever push
me to strive for anything besides meritocracy.
I've lost all real good friendships I really had except for a few, and it's times likes these that really make me regret it. It's times like these that make me see how spiteful towards some people. It's times like these that make me miss who I've been...
And,
It's time likes these that make it easy to see,
That it's time to move on with my life.
Devious Comments
It is a scary thing, though. I know your situation's different because you have to watch your friend graduate and move on, but I still understand the feeling. The feeling of knowing that you're probably not going to keep in touch with a lot of the faces you see around you, and wondering if people will remember to keep in touch at all of if they'll be too consumed by their new lives out in the real world. Maybe it's a good thing you've been given another year to hold back and really think about what you'll be doing when you graduate.
If you say you're good with computers, then maybe you should pursue that. I mean, maybe everything they have to offer you is too easy. But at least you can show that you're competent enough to forgo basic lessons and maybe have an upper hand in computer-related stuff. You could just go and try new things, but I've always been bad with that suggestion because "New things" is such a broad term that there's no telling where to start off looking.
Well, anyway. Talk to me sometime, K? >:C K.
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Kittens are cat pupae. Ü
That night you IMed my phone into a comma!
My friend was over... and he spent all night on that blasted World of Warcraft so I couldn't use my computer to talk to you. I made sure that both of your user names where added to my buddy list because I think I lost 1 when I was deleting mass numbers of people.
Glad you still care about me and stuff even though we don't talk as much anymore.
There's so much I want to talk about with you, so get on that good'ol fashion instanter mess'n'ger sometime okay?
Alright darla.
--
~Senor Oats!
Yeah, sorry, I forgot you were on your phone. Considering it had been a while since we spoke I had a lot to say. :B
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Kittens are cat pupae. Ü
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~Senor Oats!
--
Kittens are cat pupae. Ü
I can't claim to understand exactly how you feel, but recently I've been encountering some similar feelings and after reading this, I felt like I should mention that you're alone in this respect. I'm a junior in high school as well, and as far the future is concerned, it's very daunting. I have a lot of doubts and fears about my abilities, and it doesn't help to think that many of my friends are going to fade from my life, and some of them already have started this recession. I won't deny it, I felt and still do feel very lonely. But if this is all the time you have, knowing that it's something ephemeral, I would think that you'd want to part with a smile rather than a frown. If you're going to dwell on memories, then you might as well make some good ones right? Have fun, smile up until the very last moment.
And even though maybe you feel like you don't possess any great skills, at least you have something of interest that you can practice and refine and make better. Talent can only take you so far, it's hard work and diligence that pulls you through. Like that person before me said, I think you should consider maybe pursuing computers. And if you like music, then you should work on that too. I don't believe that the only ones who make it in music are those who are generic, I've heard countless unique and individualistic artists who manage to make their way because they did what they wanted to do. I think, at the very least, we should aim for what makes us happy, whatever it may be, however impractical it may be.
Motivation is something difficult to come by, but I always try to improve myself and do better and encourage myself. I realized that we can't depend on anyone else to cheer us on, because nobody else can make you get better and nobody else can justify the quality of your work. Whenever it comes down to anything, it always comes down to how you feel. A friend won't be able to push you along, they can only help you so much, most things you need to do yourself.
With all that said, and I'm sorry it's so long and probably something maybe you've already heard before, I just wanted to say I definitely felt like I could relate to your journal entry. I hope that things work out for you and that most of all, you'll be happy in the end. ^_^
--
.::Starving Artist Santoke::.
Well...time to go live in the snow.
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.::Starving Artist Santoke::.
Well...time to go live in the snow.
Thanks though, it's nice to hear someone be realistic for a change. I've actually decided since last posting this to work harder on my artwork, even if I'm not A grade. It's something I want to do, and so long as my hands don't break and inspiration's always with me, then I'll keep on trying.
Things are still pretty uncertain for me, but I've been looking at possibilities and paths I can take. Still, pretty scary. I'm pretty much over my friends leaving me... I know it's still going to be hard when it happens, but I know that it's something I can't stop, and I'll always have my online buds, because they're not allowed to move away from their computers. haha
Really though, I'm sure I'll make some more friends; No matter where I end up.
I'm glad that someone I paid some attention to actually stopped by to say hello, but more than that, cared a flying flip about a stranger enough to stop by and share with them. You'll defiantly be going on my friends/watch/whatever list. Thanks again.
~Matt
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~Senor Oats!
I'm really happy to see that you've strengthened your resolve and are going to keep trying with art! Do your best! I know you can do it if you want to and work hard! Just by the fact that you haven't given up and have dealt with this situation so well enforces my belief that you're certainly a mature and capable person. It really, truly makes me happy to see that you've picked yourself up on your own and are going to try and make things better. I think that's the type of strength and determination a lot of people need.
I always go by people's pages to thank them and if I can, talk to them too. I'm just glad that you found me, you sound like a very interesting person! You inspire me to work harder too! So thank you for the watch! ^___^
~San
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.::Starving Artist Santoke::.
Well...time to go live in the snow.
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